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He jumped on a bed, went to a strip club, and rapped. We open the final stretch with ALF sassing a robot and eating a lot and basically being unable to shut the fuck up for two seconds.
Instead ALF sneezes and burps. Dickbag here burped and burped and burped. Sometimes when it had something to do with what was happening, usually not. ALF burps a God damned lot, guys. Anyway burp, burp, burp, burp, burp, burp. Who else would have designed it? The trucker who listens to people fuck at the motel?
The ladies at the strip club? There are only so many characters in this movie. Of course it was Moyers. Jensen Daggett is super impressed by this…and also the fact that he cooks and cleans. I guess all the men she meets on Tinder just live in vats of their own filth.
And she really sells that snap. So Dexter Moyers spills some backstory. And, man, judging from his massive house and robot slave he got a fat pension out of the deal, too.
Now he just gets to sit around being rich, studying what he loves, and never having to work a day in his life, so what exactly was the problem here? Because this is what Project: This whole bit is supposed to be some kind of cheeky nod to the fact that you could go out and buy that great merchandise right now. Why is he helping him do it now? Anyway, most of the stuff on his shopping list is sexy clothing he wants the Russian woman to wear and food he wants to lick off of her, because this is what Project: As soon as he opens it, though, Dexter Moyers appears and presses the Enter key, which, as you all know, immediately closes all active windows.
Whoever the other guy is gets up and leaves. ALF jokes for a while longer about wanting to fuck that Russian lady. This pisses off the other guy, whoever he is. Then he and Dexter Moyers just kind of stand there in the middle of her room and stare at each other for a while. Like, I honestly do think the movie was short so they just spliced in some raw footage of these two standing around. Why would I ever do the right thing? Pay attention to the music cues. So, from a narrative standpoint, why not just have ALF be interviewed on a TV station based out of Arizona or wherever the shit they are?
If it were me I probably would have written a second draft that addressed these issues, but what do I know. Anyway, whoever that other guy is calls the Alien Task Force from a diner and Martin Sheen traces it. Dexter Moyers has TV-quality production and broadcasting equipment, and a fucking soundstage with studio lighting rigs, in his house. Why is this all happening here? See, one thing I liked about the show one of…two things? So the show had characters faint, scream, flee, doubt their vision, go insane, stop dead in their tracks, try to kill him, fall over dead….
And kind of dumb. If the thing you enjoy most about ALF is hearing him say the names of people you recognize, boy howdy is this the film for you. Then this other guy is in the diner and declines a coffee refill.
I was totally convinced he was going to let the waitress top him off. Then Martin Sheen and his assistant come in and arrest him. Back at Moyerton Abbey, Jensen Daggett wears an open shirt that made men out of many boys in the audience that day.
It turns out she confronted Dexter Moyers because she overheard his goons talking about Project: He grabs her by the arm and walks her down the hallway, presumably toward his underground pit of smoking acid. Dexter Moyers has one of his goons toss Jensen Daggett in a room. Then he walks away, secure in the knowledge that the bad guy always succeeds after turning his back on whoever just learned of his nefarious plan in the last 15 minutes of a shitty film.
This guy, whoever he is, knew Martin Sheen was listening in on every line in every city in every country. He placed that call so that he would be found and arrested and tazed and humiliated and have his genitals pounded into mush by military truncheons.
ALF makes some jokes about people wiping their asses on their shower curtains and how gross it is when women bleed out of their hoo-haws. Gee…how could anyone think his shtick got old? I guess they cast the right woman for this role after all. Then Dexter Moyers gets ready for his interview, and the host is dressed like Larry King. Which at last explains the English connection. Famous British icon Larry King. This guy really needs to fire whomever screens his fucking guests. And, man, where can you possibly go after that?
The Russian lady pours orange juice while ALF burps. Then ALF remembers that other really gross thing he does a lot, and tells her he needs to take a gigantic shit. Did you really expect anything less by this point? Dexter Moyers yells at the guy who told him this. But what was Dexter Moyers doing this whole time? Sitting in a chair assuming everything would go perfectly during a live television broadcast? You do need to do something as a villain.
It seemed to work pretty well for Paul Fusco and American audiences. He shoves the Russian lady out of the way so he can yell at ALF through the bathroom door and be casually violent toward a woman in the same scene. After the commercial break, Dexter Moyers has to stall for time and say ALF is in the studio, but not ready to appear.
And, man, I bet you sure wish you filmed some footage ahead of time for this feature instead of just hoping everything would work out perfectly on live television. Or at least taken some pictures to show. But he really did not plan for this at all. He could at least have chained ALF to the chair. Then Martin Sheen shows up. He shuts down the production and arrests Dexter Moyers. Dead air is a crime. He arrests Jensen Daggett, too. And that other guy specifically told him not to arrest Jensen Daggett!
So this is…kind of odd. How many films have dual villains? What kind of movie would that be? ALF getting hauled off screaming by government agents. This other guy tricks Martin Sheen into confessing all the awful shit he did.
The cameras capture him doing this, and no secret is made about that. The bad guy giving his big speech is supposed to be scary or intimidating or worrying, but here we actually see the resolution before the movie gets there. Which I guess ties back to the scene when Martin Sheen tricked him into thinking that same thing before…but back then he really did shake his hand; he just also arrested him, so who the fuck knows.
You went to a hotel, and then a diner. If he had led you on a merry little chase it might actually have made for a good movie, and it certainly would have led you to more interesting locations than that. Speaking of which…man, literally nothing funny happens in this stretch of the movie. In the previous two reviews I was able to spotlight some decent jokes or moments, but the homestretch is such an awful slog.
Maybe the point of Project: ALF was just to make sure nobody would miss the character when he disappeared again. He just leaves and goes to his office for no reason that I can fathom except that the next scene is supposed to take place there. Which might have qualified as a surprise if we passed out from boredom during the scene in which we were explicitly told this would happen. It turns out the young, dumb sidekick was a good guy all along.
Yes, we saw the whole thing damned thing literally one minute ago, but this is a movie! We need to waste even more time than an ALF production usually does. I honestly thought the end of the movie would involve him warming up to ALF, because he learned the notallaliens lesson that seemed to be hardwired into his character arc.
Why give him that backstory then? ALF escaped from the base. As head of security, he had to track ALF down and bring him back, which he did.